The Year Without That Lazy Bastard Santa

Gasmii, like a lot of us who grew up in the 1970s, I LOVED Christmastime when the networks would roll out the claymation. And these were the times before VCRs and DVRs, so you either stayed glued to the TV so as not to miss the shows or it was see you next year, sucker. Luckily, being glued to the TV for me was not a problem.

My all-time fav is the Rudolph claymation but a close second is A Year Without a Santa Claus, mostly because of Heat Miser and Snow Miser. However, as I've gotten older, watching Rudolph just makes me see it was a metaphor for homosexuality and A Year Without a Santa Claus is a true testament to how lazy whitey has become. The conflict of the story? Santa has decided to take a vacation day. On December 25th. Yes, this whole hour is devoted to Santa taking off the ONE GODDAMN day he has to work a year. Yeah, I didn't know the Santa job was a government one either.

Well, I'm sore and tired so I should totally not work this year.

Let's begin with sassy Mrs. Claus telling us that this all happened before we were born which just makes me feel old. Santa gets out of bed one morning, puts on one boot, then the other, which is going to make it difficult to actually get dressed, and he whines that he's tired. He complains that wrapping presents and sharpening skates has made him "weary." So either Santa is lying because we all know the elves do all the grunt work, or he's a terrible delegator and mirco-manager.

"Crick in my back, cold in my nose, aches in my fingers and toes," he raps. Yeah, if you are in that much pain, how about moving to Boca or Phoenix? Mrs. Claus sends for the doctor and hopefully he's doctor feel-good. Nope, but he must be Dr. Jew because he kvetches that Santa probably never got over the pneumonia he got last year gallivanting all over the earth in that open sleigh delivering presents to people who don't give a **** anymore. Dude, deliver me a Lexus with that big red bow and I'll care. That will make up for the Ozzy Osbourne reality show t-shirt I got a few years ago.

Dr. Jew, this mutton medicine sucks.

"Wouldn't surprise me none if nobody believes in you anymore!" the doctor says. Then he leaves and says, "Merry Christmas!" Muslim!

Santa hides under his covers like a Cymbalta commercial actor and says he's really not up to snuff. "Maybe I'm due for a holiday," he says. Yeah, that's like the quarterback taking off the Superbowl cause he's tired, and at least he has a backup. Who's Santa's backup?

I feel like I need to be wound up to get through my day. Which is weird, since I'm claymation and not a wind-up toy.

So the megaphone rings in the workshop and Santa says to warn the people and call the papers, "he's too tired for Christmas capers." The elves are packing up the sled with all of the work they've just done, and juts like corporate America, the execs make a decision to back out of the big presentation. Why wait until all the work is done to back out? Santa's such an ****!

Then Mrs. Claus, who is clearly on some heavy medication, begins to sing as we see people throwing all of their holiday decorations into the garbage heap. Duh, you can use them next year if that fat bastard doesn't pull this crap again. Oh, and Mickey Rooney is doing the voice of Santa. No wonder he's a crabby jerk! No, wait, that's Andy Rooney.

Mrs. Claus tells us that all the children were sad because they thought Santa had died. Well, with that weight, he is a heart-attack waiting to happen. I bet the elves' HMO sucks all because of his bad habits.

So the papers get ahold of the story and the quotes are, "Santa Says " Too Tired!" and "Not Coming!" If TMZ got ahold of this it would be how Santa was ditching out to join celebutard rehab or something.

Mrs. Claus called Jingle and Jangle Bells, two alternative lifestyle elves, and asks to see them. She tries on Santa's hat and realizes it fits nicely. OMG, did the feminist movement hit the North Pole? Looks like Mrs. Claus is thinking about bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan. Unfortunately, they'll need some Viagra if she doesn't want to let Santa forget he's a man.

Mrs. Claus begins cross-dressing.

She sings a song about who would know the difference if she went as Santa? "Anyone can be Santa, why can't a lady like me?" Yeah, look at the drunkards at the mall molesting your kids who can play Santa. Then she sings, "I've fantasized it a lot," and she's lost me until she says, "I'll be going down the chimneys with his sack," and I'm back. Santa's sack.

Jingle and Jangle show up and Mrs. Claus says she needs them to venture into the world to see if anyone still cares about Santa, since that's why he wants to stay home. I think that's an excuse and he's just f#cking lazy, but tomato/tomaaahto. So, go find an example of Christmas spirit from last year, elves!

The North Pole has legalized gay marriage!?!

So the two elves and little Vixen head down into the real world to find Christmas spirit. Sounds like the makings of a great B-movie. Why wouldn't they send one of the bigger reindeer? Vixen is tiny!

Santa wakes from his drunken stupor and asks what all the noise is about. It's about people saving your sorry ass. Mrs. Claus starts ironing a towel (she's definitely on drugs) and Santa asks if she thinks he's making a mistake. No, she thinks you're a selfish prick.

He asks what she's up to and she says nothing, which he doesn't believe because he knows her Stepford ways. Mrs. Claus goes to the window and says, "Poor Jingle, poor Jangle," and Santa's like, yeah, I'm RIGHT HERE and can hear you, what the hell mess did you get those elves into? She's like Santa, don't ask and don't tell, but they went into the world to find Christmas cheer.

You stupid bitch! I told you not to meddle in the family business!

Santa can't believe Jingle, Jangle and little baby Vixen are out in the world on their own. He says they won't even get past the Miser brothers and Mrs. Claus is like, "Oh f#ck, I totally forgot about them," which seems ridiculous because honestly, how big is their neighborhood? And isn't it gated?

Santa screams for Dasher and they take off to save the group trying to save Christmas while Mrs. Claus tells us about ...

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